Who Am I?

I can't even tell you how many times this week alone a kid or teacher called me "Ava's Mom" as if it were my actual name. I answer to it without hesitation just like if they called me Amanda. After Ava was first born, I wrote a post called "I'm Ava Mom" about kids and grown-ups calling me that instead of my name. It was only a few months ago that Ava wondered about my actual name.

When I was a little girl my family called me Mandi. Now only a few people call me Mandi. After graduating college, I built a professional identity as Amanda Volarvich. Then 7 1/2 years ago, Aaron and I got married and changed my identity to Amanda Berkey. The Volarvich name showed up surprisingly in January when we signed our mortgage refinance paperwork. I couldn't believe after all this time, I signed my name as Amanda Volarvich.

The day I became a Berkey.

Then Ava was born in March 2010. Hearing myself referred to as a mother was surreal. Now, Ava prefers to call me mama or mom. And in sweet moments, she calls us Baby Mama and Baby Daddy. And then if we have another child, I'm sure it will be so cool to hear his/her friends call me by their name too.

First family photo in March 2010.

Here I am 36-years old, and I remember those days in my 20's when I identified with being a feminist focusing my power on advancing a career and being independent. Then after marrying Aaron, we merged our independent lives and identities into a unit. We had to become more reliant on one another. We've adopted a mix of traditional roles in the context of a modern family. I still feel like a feminist, but now inside of marriage and motherhood. I handle the cooking, cleaning (ok, outsourced a bit!), and the bulk of child care duties. That's not because he's unwilling, but naturally with mothering/breastfeeding in Ava's first years she wanted me. Aaron handles all the outdoors work, which is a lot since we have a lot of land for city-standards. But, we adopted these roles by our personal interests. I love to cook and he loves to be outdoors. Now with being a mother, I want to do meaningful and challenging work but not at the expense of my family. So that means, I've put the brakes on surging to higher levels for now while we have a young family.

It makes me look forward to more transformations in the future when Ava grows up or even my 40th birthday, which is not too distant in the future. I want to live my life to honor those important milestones and transitions in life to shape me into the person that I have become. It makes me appreciate my age and where I am in my life. I don't want to hide my age because it's a marker for what I've been through, the good and the bad and in between!

Ava is an energetic and empathetic 3-year old.